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I know that everyone from 50 Cent to JLS has sung about the interesting stuff that goes down at “the club” but as far as I know, Fiddy didn’t say “she hit the floor, she’s looking fly / so normal assault laws don’t apply.” If you want to touch someone’s bum, stop and think. If you can answer yes to all these questions, you can get stuck into buttock. Don’t be so hard and squeezy that she’ll worry you’re about to snatch her away and throw her in the back of a van.So where can you touch a woman when you want to get to know her better? This is not a foolproof way of pulling - but a woman who responds positively to your hand on her arm is much more likely to invite you to put it on her bottom.4.But if the lucky recipient of your generosity ignores you for the rest of the night that’s her prerogative.She’s a rude bitch, but if you feel that strongly about it you can ask her for your fiver back. If you want to pay for sex there are all sorts of places you can go.You get a same gender sibling, and take it in turns to gently place a hand on the other person’s arm, face, knee or thigh.When the person being touched screams “arghhhhhhhh” and runs away to bathe in bleach, the toucher has won.There’s nothing wrong with staring at arses – they’re lovely – but for fuck’s sake go and look at one in a magazine.

To the uninitiated, some American dude told a load of other American dudes that they could march up to a woman, say “hey, your hair looks shit” and get laid.If you want to sleep with some poor girl with crippling self esteem problems, good luck to you. May I refer you to Princess Jasmine from Aladdin, who told the eponymous hero that she was not “a prize to be won”?But a reasonably confident lady will respond by chucking a double Baileys in your face. Women want to get laid too – just not by everyone Many men I’ve spoken to treat pulling like weight training. If a woman has told you she’s not interested, she’s not playing a weird game – for whatever reason, she’s not taken a shine to you and no amount of drinks, card tricks and showing off is going to change her mind. However, avagina isn’t like Tesco – it’s not an area that welcomes all business once the doors have been open.I know that some people just don’t like being touched, but even the huggiest and kissiest of us do a fair bit of involuntary sphincter scrunching when someone else’s hands take us outside our comfort zone.And I’m always amazed by the number of guys who wouldn’t dream of grabbing a woman’s arse at a garden centre but think it’s OK in a club. Is she sticking it out whilst wiggling it and winking at you? Don’t be light and strokey and sinister or she’ll think you’re a Tim Burton animation masquerading as a human being.

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