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Pretend she works for the FBI and you aren’t going back to federal prison.

Instead, repeat these statements as often and as necessary to keep the conversation going: “tell me more about your day”, “I love listening to your voice,” and “when you move your mouth and speak words, it is lovely”.

I strongly suggest either completely plagiarizing whole speeches or comedic monologues that are easily accessible online or at least start by doing some Googling or Twittering and see what other humans are discussing these days so you seem topical and human — but, make sure to check the dates on the articles you read so you don’t talk about the rise of the Beatles or the moon landing — and don’t worry — you only need the headlines and then just do lots of nodding your head, saying “I agree” and “too true” and “you da woman” and laughing at her replies and you are set.6) Drown Her With Compliments! Scratch that, they are like hungry savage beasts who will tear you limb from limb if you don’t remind them how amazing they are at regularly scheduled intervals or they will leave or both. — When with her, NEVER take your eyes off her for a second.

They want more and more compliments about everything from their hair to their manicure to their radical interpretation of rare communist texts. Focus completely on her and only her even if someone else is talking to you.

Well, you are in luck, because I am that guy and this is that article.

If you don’t own a pocket book, buy one first, and then think about it.

If confidence is hard for you, take some method acting courses, or think of having a body double who is confident stand in for you on the dates.5) Avoid Silence!

You may not find the woman of your dreams, but you will have a whole lot more fun while dating.1) Don’t Be Yourself!

— As you are well aware, being yourself has got you nowhere, fast.

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